


We have cookies

by jenny_wren



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-04-09 05:49:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4336286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenny_wren/pseuds/jenny_wren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The gang are captured by Klingons while on shore leave. They're not dressed for the occasion, and it outs Kirk and Khan. Crack for a brilliantly cracky kink meme prompt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We have cookies

The instant Carol stepped outside she felt the electric itch of the transporter beam take her. As soon as she rematerialized she turned, ready to demand an explanation for being beamed back from her leave, and found she was stuck in a large room, one wall a buzzing force screen, with several of the Enterprise bridge crew, all of whom looked as disconcerted and, well, as unprepared as she did.

Sulu was, presumably, a renaissance prince in doublet and hose and velvet cap, revealing a fine set of legs under his silk tights. He looked as if he was seriously considering throwing himself on the slim rapier pinned to side out of sheer embarrassment.

Uhura and Spock must have been interrupted. Uhura had teamed a fierce little black dress with the sort of sky-high heels that would break Carol’s ankles if she looked at them too long, let alone tried to wear. Uhura tried to tug her dress into respectability, failed and crossed her arms tightly over the low cut and hunched in on herself. Spock was hovering like he wanted to offer her his shirt, if only he had one. All he was wearing were close-fitting black pants and high boots, which emphasized the sleek blackness of his hair, and would be a beautiful contrast to his acres of pale skin – were he not going green from mortification.

Then her eyes went out on stalks as Len- McCoy appeared. He must have been swimming because all he was wearing was a skimpy dark blue speedo, dark hair plastered to head, water still dripping down his golden skin. And it wasn’t as if Carol hadn’t noticed the doctor was built, but the doctor was seriously built. He was also turning a ferociously bright red and Carol hurriedly refocused her attention to try and save the poor man from blushing to death.

Her gaze fell on Chekov, who was at least dressed for action in dirty camouflage fatigues but he had the cock-eyed stance of the seriously drunk. His fluffy curls were hidden under a dark cap and there was a brown tacky stain down one side of his face and over the shoulder of his jacket that Carol suspected was somebody else’s blood.

Chekov’s eyes went wide and even more pie-eyed, “Keptin,” he called out happily.

Carol span around and saw two more figures appear. It was only because of Chekov’s identification that she recognized their golden Captain under the billowy dress and corset combination, because good Lord what he was wearing, and what was he _doing_.

The Captain was bent backwards in another man’s arms being ruthlessly kissed. The other man was dressed in a sort of Errol Flynn get-up, breeches and blousy shirt, cutlass at his waist. Carol put it together with the drapery Jim was wearing and realized it was the evil pirate and his helpless captive

She giggled, tried to turn it into a snort, and hiccupped instead.

“Fuck’s sake, Jim,” growled McCoy. 

Jim thumped his partner on the back and the pair slowly regained the vertical.

“What the hell Bones?” Jim demanded, “This better be important.” His partner did something that made him gasp breathlessly. “Fuckit, can’t be that important.” And then he was moaning as they kissed again.

“Fuck’s sake, Jim. Did you not notice you were being beamed up? Can you focus your horny little toad mind on our situation please. I’d like to get out of here sometime today.” McCoy had folded his arms across his chest as tightly as Uhura.

“The situation is most troubling, Captain.” Spock looked like he wanted to fold his arms but was restraining himself for the sake of Vulcan dignity.

“You two whine worse than little girls.” Jim reluctantly pulled away and turned around, “Whoa! What’s everyone doing here? And where is here?”

“Focus,” snarled McCoy.

“Chill Bones. Actually, aren’t you cold like that?”

“Yes you infant, I am cold. Though I don’t think you’re in a position to comment on what anyone’s wearing.”

“Do you like it?” Jim swished his skirts, “Genuine Risian silk, it feels amazing.” He brushed his hands over his décolletage and down over the corset and shivered with delight. 

McCoy sighed in defeat, “I’m glad you like it.”

“You look good too,” Jim said earnestly, “but cold. If it was me, you’d be complaining about pneumonia and telling me to put on a coat.”

McCoy muttered something under his breath. Carol was pretty sure it was about his complete lack of a coat and how very much be blamed Jim for that fact.

“And Sulu, wow, I knew you had good legs, but wow. All that fencing really pays off.” Sulu looked torn between combusting from embarrassment, or grinning at the compliment.

“Uhura,” Jim beamed at her, “you are totally rocking those heels. And that dress? Where’d you find it?”

Uhura straightened up. “You couldn’t pull it off Captain, your shoulders are too broad.”

“Probably,” Jim pouted. “But you look completely badass. And you managed to get Spock to go shirtless, so kudos. He looks hot too, but don’t tell him I said so.”

“Captain, I heard you perfectly clearly,” said Spock.

Jim rolled his eyes, “Of course you did Spock. That,” he broke off as he caught sight of Chekov, “oh boy. I thought you promised me not too much vodka, Checkers.”

“Only one bottle, Captain,” Chekov protested.

“And no bear-wrestling. I distinctly remember making you promise no bear-wrestling.”

Chekov laughed scornfully, “This wasn’t a bear, I smashed Nabokov’s nose,” he slammed the heel of his hand against his forehead in illustration.

“That’s okay then.”

“Of course Nabokov is almost as big as a bear,” Chekov raised his hands high above his head, “but the bigger they are the harder they fall, da?”

“Da,” agreed Jim, “very, very da.” 

“Of course it would not be necessary if _someone_ ,” he cast a reproachful glance at Sulu, “had invited me to stay with him.”

“Sorry Checkers, I did tell him he should drag you into the turbo lift and ravish you, but it looks like he didn’t listen.”

Sulu puffed up with outrage, “I’m not going to take advice from you, I treat my partners with respect.”

“Bah,” said Jim, “who wants to be treated with respect? Nobody wants to be treated with respect, unless they’re weird like Bones. Respect is what you give dead heroes.”

“Da,” agreed Chekov mournfully. “I think we finish here and then I go wrestle a bear.”

“No,” said Jim firmly, “no bear-wrestling. That’s an order.”

Chekov subsided into a sulky hunch of shoulders.

“Marcus,” Jim turned to Carol, “I should have guessed you’d pull off a mean sexy librarian.”

Carol plucked self-consciously at her twin-set and pearls, “I was visiting my Grandmother.”

Jim’s forehead scrunched up, “Well, if she likes that kind of thing,” he said cautiously.

“Oh you, infant,” sighed McCoy.

Carol looked at Jim, he was wearing a ridiculously over the top dress, his eyeliner was wonky, his lipstick was smudged, and he was smiling at her like he loved the whole world and her in particular.

She elbowed McCoy, “Leave him alone.”

McCoy rolled his eyes, “And another one falls at his feet.”

“As if you aren’t the worst offender,” Carol shot back, because it was blatantly obvious McCoy adored the Captain.

“Bones, you’re definitely cold,” Jim accused, “I don’t think we should stay here any longer.” He walked towards the force screen. As he moved, his partner’s face, which Carol hadn’t paid much attention to before because Jim’s partners changed all the time, became clearly visible.

Carol blinked because that couldn’t possibly be –

“KHAN!” shrieked McCoy, sounding ready to expire of indignation.

“Hello doctor,” said Khan calmly.

“Jim, what the hell were you thinking when you took up with him?”

“Uh, mostly I was wondering if they augmented his dick too,” said Jim absently as he stared up at the ceiling.

McCoy squawked.

Khan smiled his superior smile, “They did incidentally.”

Jim thumped him on the arm, “Shut up and gimme a boost.”

Khan linked his hands and held them out. As Jim placed his foot on the step Khan had created, they both bounced and suddenly Jim was standing on Khan’s shoulders. He started poking at the top of the force shield.

“Captain, what are you doing?” demanded Spock.

“Getting us out of here. Bones is cold, I don’t think we should hang around until they start interrogating us.”

“Who is going to be interrogating us, Captain?”

“The Klingons of course, ow shit, my dress wasn’t designed for this.” He rolled up his draping sleeves and knotted them out of the way. “And his voice, surely you’ve noticed his voice is just melt you into a puddle sex.”

“You are my captive now, there is no escape, I will hold you down and plunder your helpless body,” Khan rumbled obligingly.

Carol shuddered because it was as creepy as hell and had to be high on the top ten list of things that justified stabbing someone with extreme prejudice.

Jim stamped one foot on Khan’s shoulder. He was flushed and sweating and, Carol had to admit, looked likely to melt into a puddle any second.

“Don’t do that when you can’t follow through,” he whined. “It’s mean.”

“I can follow through, _Captain_.”

“Stop it. If you make my hands any shakier, I’m going to blow us all up.”

“Fine,” huffed Khan, “inferior human.”

“That not what you say when I – ”

“Both of you stop it,” yelled Uhura, “and explain about the Klingons. What Klingons?”

“The Klingons who kidnapped us,” said Jim as if that was obvious.

“Why have the Klingons kidnapped us?”

“How should I know? I was beamed into the cell just like you were. You were all beamed in here right? I was presuming somebody would have shouted if you’d spoken to the Klingons?”

“Yes we all beamed straight to this cell. So what makes you think Klingons are involved?”

“This is a Klingon ship. You’re right though, I shouldn’t make the assumption it was the Klingons who beamed us up. Somebody else could have stolen their ship and beamed us up. Good call Uhura.”

Uhura appeared torn between taking the compliment and demanding to know what the hell Jim was talking about. McCoy saved her,

“What makes you sure this is a Klingon ship?”

“It, uh, it just is,” Jim glanced down at him totally flummoxed, like McCoy had just asked him what made him sure the sky was blue. He racked his brains, 

“It hums like a Klingon ship,” he finally declared triumphantly. “And they’re using Klingon knock-offs of Orion technology for their force screen, so if I do this, and then this…”

The force screen went down in a fizzle of damp sparks.

“Woo-hoo,” cheered Jim. “Now all we need to do is get to an unshielded part of the ship and Scotty can grab us right back.”

Khan offered his arm, and with his assistance Jim jumped down from his shoulders as nimbly as he could in a long flouncy dress.

“We should do something about that dress,” said Khan, sounding sad about the prospect.

“You are not ripping it, not until we can get to the fun part. Help me bundle it up.” Together they scooped up the long skirts, tying them out the way.

Since nobody else was asking, Carol did, “What makes you think Scott knows we’re in trouble?”

Now she was the recipient of the flummoxed look. “Nobody could beam Scotty anywhere he didn’t want to go. Once he’s dodged the Klingons he’ll try and call me, and when he can’t get through he’ll trace the phone’s signal,” Jim patted one boot and produced the phone, “and he’ll be ready to snatch us back as soon as we show on his scanners. Uhura let me have one of your shoes.”

“What? Why?” Uhura took a quick step back.

“Oh come on, you don’t need both of them.”

“Ah,” Uhura’s face brightened and clutching Spock’s arm for balance she carefully heeled out of her shoes. She smiled at Carol’s confusion, “It takes a while but enough proximity and you click over to Jim’s wavelength. It makes the world a much, much weirder place. But, you know, more interesting too.” She picked up her shoes and handed one to Jim, “You’re buying me a new pair.”

“Cool,” Jim bounced, “shopping expedition.” He held up one hand and Uhura high-fived him.

“Can we get back to important point,” grouched McCoy, and Carol thought, oh thank goodness somebody with a sense of priorities, “just why did you decide taking up with _him_ was a good idea?”

Carol deflated like a popped balloon. Uhura laughed at her crest-fallen face, “Sorry, Len’s been on Jim’s wavelength for years, of course he’s not bothered about being abducted by Klingons. But don’t worry you’ll soon join us on the darkside.”

“Cause he’s sexy as hell,” said Jim.

“Can’t you show a little more discrimination, kid?”

“I can sleep with him if I want to.”

“Sleep with?” McCoy’s eyes went wide. “Seriously? And you didn’t tell me?” 

“It is unlike the Captain to use such a euphemism, but I do not understand your surprise, doctor,” said Spock, “it has been obvious since their arrival that the Captain is consorting with this individual.”

“Sleeping with isn’t a euphemism,” said Jim, “it’s the whole point. And he doesn’t mind when I have nightmares either.”

“You could have told me,” McCoy protested.

“Why? It’s not like you told me about you and Carol.”

“Me and Carol? There is no me and Carol.”

“What! Why not?” Blazing blue eyes fixed on Carol like they would incinerate her on the spot. “What’s wrong with Bones? Sure he can grinch and grouch but he’s kind and loyal and fantastic in bed.”

“James Tiberius Kirk!”

“What? You are. And your Kinsey score doesn’t even skew that highly towards men. You must be absolutely amazing with women. So,” he glowered at Carol, “what’s wrong with Bones?”

“Uh well nothing,” Carol stumbled, unsure how to defend herself from the unexpected attack.

“Shut up,” growled McCoy, brows heavy with fury, “just shut up. You can’t just jerk our strings like puppets.”

“But – ”

“I said – shut up.” McCoy attempted to slap him over the back of the head, but Khan’s hand snapped up and caught his arm before he could connect.

“Careful doctor,” Khan warned.

Jim was glancing between Carol and McCoy and looking increasingly confused and distressed. 

Carol could almost hear the click in her head as she suddenly understood what was going on. Jim had obviously picked up on her attraction to McCoy, and his to her (judging by the fact he looked ready to kill his best friend right then) and jumped several steps ahead.

Carol took a deep breath then stepped forward and linked her arm with McCoy’s, “Ignore him Captain, he’s just grumpy because he’s cold.”

Jim brightened, “Well we can fix that.” He nudged Khan, “Give him your shirt.”

“Must I?”

Jim made begging eyes. Khan started to strip off his shirt with a show of reluctance that was clearly a slow tease. Jim certainly seemed to appreciate it.

“You know,” McCoy whispered to her, “you don’t actually have to go out with me because Jim wants you to.”

“Actually I was hoping to go out with you because you wanted me to.”

He smiled then and his eyes grew hot, “Yeah, yeah I want.”

If they weren’t trapped on a Klingon ship, Carol would so be taking him up on that. Why were they still stuck on a Klingon ship?

“Captain,” she complained, “the Klingons are becoming ever more extraneous to requirements.”

“Oh yes,” said Uhura, “let’s get rid of the Klingon kidnappers because they’re stopping you from getting laid. You’ve totally gone darkside.”

Carol huffed. 

Jim handed Khan’s shirt to Len with a sincere but uncomprehending apology.

“It’s okay kid. You just got to remember that not everyone’s brain works like yours.”

“Is this about the respect thing again?”

“Something like that.” He pulled the shirt on. “I’m a bit worried you don’t think Khan respects you.”

Jim’s face squinched up in confusion, “But he’s great. He’s never, ever given me the ‘Jim you are an idiot and I just can’t deal with you right now’ look. Not once.”

“Jim – ”

“Everyone else looks at me like that eventually. Even you.”

“Kid.”

“I mean you still like me, which is unusual, but you definitely do that look. You were doing it just now, and you locked me out the dorm when you had your final exams, remember.”

“You said you didn’t mind.”

“You let me back in again.”

“Aw kid.” Len hugged him. “I should have known it would take a super-human to keep up with you.”

Khan placed one hand on Jim’s back, “I’m glad you finally recognize my superiority, doctor.”

Len scowled at him, “And you, don’t you go thinking your ‘superiority’ will save you if you upset Jim. I will find a way to make you hurt.”

“Ignore him,” said Jim, “he’s just a grouchy old teddy bear.”

Carol wondered how Jim could completely miss Len’s ‘I will kill you and dissect your body for medical science’ glare. She was sure Khan picked it up.

“Your doctor and I understand each other perfectly, mahiya. Do not trouble yourself.” 

“If you’re sure. We – Oooh! Klingons! Somebody throw a bucket of water on Sulu and Chekov.”

Carol spun around and saw Sulu had Chekov pressed up against the wall and they had been making out furiously all the while.

Jim’s sharp whistle made her jump and she found herself being shoved into the center of a protective circle with Len, who put his own arms around her.

“Stay down,” he warned, “there’s about to be some serious showing off with swords.”

This turned out to be completely correct as Sulu and Khan both seemed to be on a mission to skewer as many Klingons as possible. Spock was almost delicate as the Klingons dropped around him. Jim and Uhura were making hay with the sharp points of Uhura’s stiletto shoes, and Chekov simply leapt at the Klingons. The bear-wrestling suddenly seemed a lot less hypothetical.

“Um,” said Carol.

“Yeah,” agreed Len.

More Klingons hit the floor.

Khan finished the last Klingon off with what Carol felt was an unnecessarily flashy move, then immediately felt stupid when Khan glanced at Jim and she realized flashy was point. Jim certainly looked appropriately swoony.

Jim slapped himself upside the head, “Concentrate. Okay, we’ve dealt with the first lot of Klingons, we should have a clear run to the unshielded bow of the ship.”

“How do you know the bow’s unshielded?” asked Carol before she could stop herself.

“Klingons,” said Jim as if it was obvious. He tugged on Len’s sleeve, “Are you sure you like her?” he whispered too loudly, “she’s a bit, uh,”

“Shut up,” said Len cheerfully, “remember she makes torpedoes, and bombs, and all sorts of other explodey-type things.”

“Oooh,” Jim looked at her starry-eyed.

Khan scowled, “I too can make explodey-type things.”

Jim’s attention flipped back to him, “Of course you can. You make the best explosions. But you can never have too many explosions. And you could collaborate. That would be hot.”

Len sighed, “I’d be less worried if I thought that was sexual innuendo.”

“No way. Khan’s mine. You can’t have him.” Jim wrapped his arms around Khan and narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the rest of them.

Khan smiled smugly. 

“Let’s go,” said Chekov, “if we weren’t on a Klingon ship we could be fucking like rabid wolves.”

“Um,” said Len, “normally people say fuck like bunnies.”

“Boring people,” said Jim and Chekov as one, and promptly high-fived.

“Anyone not in favor of getting off the Klingon ship so we can fuck, or respect at each other,” Jim added politely for Len, “speak now. No? Motion carried. Let’s go.”

And they were running. 

Carol and Khan did work together to produce a nice explosion ready for the Klingons after they were beamed out. Jim did seem to find it hot and sulked when they wouldn’t let him hang around to see it go off.

“I’d be fine if I was part-beamed. You all are just party-poopers.”

“I think I will chain you to my bed,” Khan’s voice had dropped a register and it took Jim out at the knees.

“Fuck, let’s just get out of here.”

They beamed down and Scotty instantly covered his eyes,

“Did not need to see that. I’ll accept sandwiches of thanks after the show’s over.” And they were all rapidly beamed away again, shedding clothes as they went.

Carol spent the next twenty-four being thoroughly respected at. They came up for air, thought about checking in with the others, and decided what the hell and went back down for some more respecting.


End file.
